Untitled

Monday February 2nd 2004 02:53 PM PST

So the super bowl party was actually really good. I didn't watch more than maybe 5 minutes of the game, and ended up making my money back on a pool in the 1st quarter. Halftime was spent unwrapping poker chips from a new set that Pierre had just bought. We ran down the rules of Texas HoldEm to a few that are not Television viewers and jumped into a game. I think i turned around at the end of the game to see the winning field goal, on a tv that had reception somewhere between white christmas and blizzard. So all in all Denis throws a great party and had some great food.

Now for today.

I thought i would get off my ass and finally do some shit that i was planning on doing for a LONG TIME. This involves rebuilding most of my desk arrangement. The plan starts with removing all the vertical wood pieces of the desk and replacing them with metal legs. This way i'll have more room to route cables, and i'll be able to take some of the extra wood pieces and make them into table tops etc. So.. where does that lead me? Thats right kiddies... IKEA!

Now i should have seen the signs. I used to live with Brian, and on a few occasions i remember assisting in the construction of home furnishings. On these occasions, Brian was so pissed that he would give up on the assembly and just turn to drinking. I THOUGHT that this anger was a result of the assembly itself. I found out today that the overwhelming anger that Brian showed was rooted in the trip to IKEA itself.

I had never been to IKEA before in my life.

I drove to Burbank today and parked about a block away from the Media City Center. Ok, its just a fuckin mall, but they have to give it this bigass name. I thought that IKEA was on the side of the mall that i was on. Nope, so after walking about a mile, i realize that if i do finally find the IKEA, i'll have to haul my treasure of table legs back this fuckin mile to my car. So, i find the IKEA, and promptly walk back to my car, and PARK CLOSER.

Walk inside and follow the lemmings. Upstairs, "showroom", that sounds right. Ok, slow people in my way, cut through a little side hallway, now in HELL. I am in the upstairs showroom with wall to wall children's furniture. I start walking on the little paths and i realize that the flow of traffic is following little blue arrows on the floor, and I'M GOING THE WRONG WAY. Also, everybody else has their official looking IKEA pencils and notepads and order forms and tape measures. FUCK, i should not have taken that shortcut. Now i'm so fuckin confused. Then it hits me. There are no boxes here. They don't actually have ANY product on the shelves here. So i'm really fucked. I wander for awhile just in a daze. I don't know exactly where i'm going and when i do finally find what i'm looking for, i doubt myself. I stand there in from of a table leg display. All the legs are connected to one table top that is suspended high above my head. Each leg has a tag on it and so many numbers that it even makes my head spin. About this time i hear a nice little voice in the distance. A female voice explaining procedures. My eyes light up, and i start to move towards the voice. What i find is a TV/VCR combo in a shelf unit nearby with a video loop. Its narrated by a woman who is explaining all the mysteries of the IKEA. I stand and watch in awe for about 5 minutes as the loop completes. As the tape ends i become aware of my surroundings again and realize that i am standing (almost drooling) with about 6 other people transfixed on the TV. I felt like for a moment i was in John Carpenter's THEY LIVE.

BUT NOW I AM EQUIPPED WITH THE KNOWLEDGE TO CONQUER THE IKEA!

I know now, that i can run back to the table legs and get a little number where they are located in the other part of the store. Then i can go grab them and make a break for it. YES!!! I am on my way. I head back the way i came now following the blue arrows. I've become a conformist! I feel happy with my conformity! I... I... where the fuck it the staircase!? I just want to go downstairs. SHIT, i gotta go back through kiddy land to get downstairs. So i endure the kiddy land, and for a brief moment i glimpse the little circular cabinets that wendy and brian have in their bathroom. I press on. Finally the staircase, I know i'm close. I get downstairs and HOLY SHIT. I feel betrayed. The video loop didn't tell me that the downstairs was 5 times larger than the upstairs. And now i need to make my way through a maze of... oh, hold on, i need one of those. Oh, that might look good in my.... SHIT, they got me! I end up picking up a few impulse buys before i even leave the retail part of the IKEA. I continue to follow the signs for the self serve department, and continue to turn corner after corner seeing nothing more than retail shelves. So now my shopping cart actually has shit in it. AND I STILL HAVE NOT GOTTEN WHAT I CAME FOR. (i am a lemming) And then it happens... the walls fall away and i enter a 3 story warehouse with steel shelves to the ceiling. I see aisle numbers and sections just like the fairy god mother... no the VIDEO LOOP LADY had said there would be. Now, i finally get the legs that i need for my desk. I contemplate buying an extra set, just on the off chance that i would need more. That way i might not have to endure all that i have. I didn't know that i was not done.

checkout was nice because a nice little girl with a wireless unit grabbed me out of line. I had been standing for about 5 minutes before this, but suddenly she just decides to get me out the door quickly. I didn't realize that they make you pack your own shit, so she gave me a nasty look when i asked her for a bag.

So i get outside and now find that the shopping cart that i have is not allowed more than 5 feet from the exit door. I'm parked across the street. I pick up my legs and just laugh to myself. There is no way i am carrying the much shit across the street. So the loading zone is the only option. NOW, here's the reason Brian never went to IKEA alone. You need a loading zone buddy. Someone to watch the shit while you get the car. Now i didn't know about the loading zone buddy until i realized that i was the only one standing there without one. I asked the guy collecting carts what the hell i do. With a sort of oracle-like tone about him, he says very pleasantly that i should proceed inside to the home delivery counter, and check my belongings with them while i get my car. I get to the home delivery counter and enter a crowd of confused people. at this point i think i am getting the hang of things, so i decided to look confident, instead of perplexed. It works in about 3 seconds. The guy standing there takes my shit and gives me a number. The crowd of people all rush towards him as i walk out to get my car.

So now i'm home and one IKEA item is assembled. I've lost all desire to do any further work with my purchases. I find that the wisdom of Brian is now the only true wisdom to follow. I will start drinking.

Comments:

http://www.themorningnews.org/archives/how_to/the_nonexpert_ikea.php

Posted by: Koganuts

You should always have a Queer Eye with you! Two even.

Posted by: Angelo

Hm, link's not working. Anyways, I got that link from here: http://boingboing.net/2004_01_01_archive.html#107505180651981282

Posted by: Koganuts

heh heh. did you make sure to pick up the Fingleflugen widget, which is the only possible thing you can use to tighten the Dinglefuucer screws? because, if you didn't, you're going back. bahahahha

Posted by:

Actually i forgot to pick up that fuckin thing! So i constructed a tool of my own just to use those screws. With a pair of Vise Grips and a Hexwrench head i now have the doobleflotchy!

Posted by:

Actually the most interesting part of this venture is that i am putting the legs on the desk while the desk (and the computers) are still in one piece. The legs i got are 1/2 inch shorter than the old legs, so i can attach them with no problem. When all the legs are attached, i plan to bring in my car jack, and lift the desk about 1 inch, and remove the old legs. Then lower the entire desk. :) I am truly a lazy bitch.

Posted by:

The worst part is that since it's from IKEA it will most likely break in less than a year.

Posted by: Yams

So my wife just got home, and now she starts to tell me how much of a nightmare IKEA is. I guess she has been, but she never thought it was necessary to warn her own husband of the dangers of the store. I have to go now, i am going to kill her.

Posted by:

The Carson IKEA, though far, is so much better. I guess it's extra far for you, but I never go to the Burbank one.

Posted by: Angelo