this one is going to take awhile

Jen and I are in the kitchen cooking dinner. There are things on the stove and we're getting down to the point where everything is coming together. BANG BANG BANG on the door. Notice, not Knock Knock. BUT BANG BANG BANG. Jen and I both open our eyes wide and look at the clock. I peer through the peephole, but its too late. Our patio door is open and Linda from across the hall knows i'm standing there next to the door. So she starts talking before i even open the door. As soon as i get the door open i find a box of chocolate shoved in my face and she says something like, "here! FRECH chocolate! I just got back from france!!!". At this point here mood is "bouncy", I reply with something like, "Oh, how was it? did you have a good time?" she says something at this point that was unintelligible, but i know its going downhill. She frowns for an instant then goes back into bouncy mode. She blathers something about her hearing Jen and I fighting, and then it HITS! Full red face tears running down. AND THIS HAPPENS IN LESS THAT TWO SECONDS!!!! She says that a lawyer knocked on her door today and told her that her X-Husband (and i don't mean eXtreme) was murdered and he left everything to her. She goes NUTS for 2 seconds, then its all gone. Back into Bouncy mode. I can't even remember what she said after that, but she was off and saying goodbye, so i wasn't going to complain or argue with her. Bye Bye.

So i walk back into the kitchen in shock. Jen asks what the fuck that was all about. I can't talk out in the open, cause i know that she's sitting in her kitchen 4 feet away, listening. I just mouth the words "fucking PSYCHO" and make the little hand motion like Minnie Driver in Grosse Pointe Blank. Jen looks puzzled, but we sit down to dinner and i start to explain quietly. We finish eating and now for the real show. Friends is about to fuckin END! Huzzah!!! So i've watched enough of these shows over the years that i figure i'd sit and watch the CHEEZY END. But the real show was about to begin.

BANG BANG BANG on the door again. Jen bolts for the kitchen and what she thinks is safety. I open the door and Linda is now in Bouncy mode again. Now she has a t-shirt! Guess where she got it. Thats right. FROM FRANCE. (i feel like the coneheads for some reason) Anyway... She asks if my Wife is here and i'm not about to be greedy and keep all the French presents for myself. I call Jen out from the kitchen and all i see if Jen's eyes looking that look of death. She comes to the door and accepts the French tourist tee. Then it happens. I don't know exactly how, but she makes it inside. And she brings her own booze!!! I always have to give a good cheer to people who drink cheap ass wine from the big bottles, but drinking alone from the big bottle... that deserves a HUGE CHEER. So only problem is she needs a glass. Jen grabs her one from out kitchen and we all plop down on the couch where i am just waiting for something to happen. My life is entirely too boring, but this is not exactly what i needed. anyway... back to the fun. She just talks and talks and talks and talks. Friends is on mute and its a surreal backdrop for the conversation about all the guys that Linda has met online. She claims at one point there have been 45 men in 1 year. The short ones,... she doesn't like to have sex with. I don't know why i needed to know this, but now i do. She's going to be with a man with weekend in Ventura and they are going kayaking. He's a little short. So now you know what that means too. Blah blah blah.... conversation keeps going. I think i'm starting to wander in and our of sleep. Friends is still on mute. Then she says something about our Landlord. She claims that he called her at work today and asked about OUR whereabouts. I am puzzled. I never hear shit from the landlord, so this is weird. I excuse myself and leave Jen alone for a moment in the living room. hhahahahah. I check my online banking and sure enough the rent check has not been cashed. The thing is... Jen and i dropped it in his mailbox ourselves on the 1st like we do most of the time. He's been trying to get ahold of us, but Jen and I never check out answering machine. Jen gets on the phone right then and calls him. Meanwhile Linda is blathering about something else. Then suddenly my brother comes into conversation, and i didn't bring him up. Linda saw him ONCE with his shirt off when i was moving in. He was helping move crap for me. In that one encounter she joined the long list of people that want to fuck my brother. So she starts asking about him. My only response is... well, sorry... he's getting married. Now you'd think that would end the conversation. NOPE. remember we're talking about a woman who's been married a few times and is over 40. Being married doesn't matter. Blah blah blah. more conversation. Friends is still on mute, but i can sort of follow what's going on in the episode. Twins show up and then something about a duck and a chick. anyway. I then get a little more information about Linda's employment and her business and a few other things that were literally so forgetful that i already forgot them. Somehow by the miracle of some unknown power, she decides to leave. And with our wine glass! Well i guess we made off better with the deal... we got trinkets from France.

So you'd think that THAT was the end.

Jen starts to bitch me out about the rent check. She starts complaining about how she doesn't have any time to run the check over to our landlords house tomorrow (even though shes 5 minutes away from his house every day) blah blah blah. Loud talking about how this sucks and i'll fuckin take it over there right now. i get my shoes on and i jump in the car.

So while i'm gone Linda pounds on the door again and tells Jen that she sorry about our marriage being bad and something about men being assholes. I'll make Jen write a little more about that later.

Anyway, we check the answering machine and there are 3 messages from the landlord with a few threatening about papers and legal action and... OMFG could the night get any better. The SECOND rent check is sitting in his mailbox. i should have taken a picture of it just to be sure.

I am so glad that i'm making a regular pay check now, and we'll be out of this dump soon. (sorry john, i don't mean to say that the place you lived for years is a dump but... its a fuckin dump)